If you read this dont worry!! Its a Vent!! But Im attempting to hide nothing. I typed this out about a year ago.
Im not feeling it today.
I really dont have that take on the world attitude today. Nor to I feel good about where my life is going.
Things should not be this way. I no matter how hard I try….I think im still scared
Cuz of this I always start to think. im a prisoner of thought
Never really confronted what I was scared of until fairly recently.
Never been comfortable in my own skin…yah dont think many people are as well..but I cant help but think I have it different.
I dont think Ive even started becoming myself til I got out of high school. Still struggling with that
My 18yr old self would not know who I am.
Different. Better. But not good? I know someone always got it worst and trust me Ive seen some things. Yes Im grateful EXTREMELY grateful…of what I have.
but in all honesty I think I would not hesitate if given the opportunity to trade.
This is selfish of me to say of course.
but I envy you.
Envy the fact that you can walk in a room without thinking twice about it.
Envy the fact that you dont have that naggin voice in the back of your head saying that their making fun of you.
Envy that kids dont stare at you when you walk by
As harmless as it may sound to you…thats probably what hurts me the most. the innocence of children.
I know my youngest cousin loves me, but her innocence breaks my heart sometimes. I know shes going to learn sooner or later but I know shes aware that something is different and when she asks…weirdly I am more uncomfortable explaining to her than I am new people I meet. I am extremely comfortable explaining to new people…strangely
and its tough cuz I have good good peeps in my life that want nothing for me to succeed….and I’m hampered in my own self doubt.
I dream big. I have high expectations for myself. I want to be an example of how to be to my younger cousins, nephews & nieces….I dont want them to feel embarrassed of me. to be uncomfortable introducing me to their friends…I want them to be proud of me.
I know sometimes I like going without thanks. but sometimes it feels real good for someone to acknowledge me. It pushes me through rough patches.
Sometimes I believe I wronged someone in my past life…and karma put me on this path….
Im “like” normal….lol like a defective sweater you buy at first you see the defect…figure is not bad…..wear it love it…and only notice it when you look.
And its hard for anyone to understand. I guess you would have to see it through my eyes.
And as I sit here… typing this out im in tears…tomorrow is another day.