peek into my soul. and snoop around for a while.

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thx bandoi.

“There are people who’ve had it better than you and done worse. And there are people who’ve had it worse than you and done better. The circumstances really have nothing to do with getting over your personal history. Past hurts can make you bitter or better—the choice is yours.” – John Maxwell, author of “Failing Forward”

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So I don’t forget


So had a conversation with my dad and uncle about my grandfather(their dad).  What transpired was enlightening.  I knew Tatay was a good man wonderful grandfather, loving, caring, funny.  I always looked up to him as a larger than life personality, had an aura about him that I could not explain, even today I think of him with a  child like wonder.

Its been rough for me for a while now many ups and downs..but especially rough in the past few weeks.  Hearing their candid praise of the kind of man he was, how strong, smart, driven he had been woke me up.  Maybe it was Tatay speaking to me through his sons..the bottom line we are cut from the same cloth and I know I am strong enough.

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So…. I have come to the terrible realization that..Im lonely…well not completely, I have a loving family and friend support group that I know without a shadow of a doubt will pick me up when I fall.So how do I feel alone in such a loving group? Maybe in my mind if feel like im missing out on something…a companion, and its killing me softly..“you’ll find someone, you havnt met the right one, theres more fish in the sea” …..doesnt help when your rejected on a regular basis…doesnt help the longing in my heart….and I know how pick my self up everytime…maybe I left to much of myself on the floor…i know everyone gets rejected and I should “man up” but I feel like I have to fight harder…I might as well have some kind of physical disfigurement..well close enough. Think about it for a second..before you judge my rant…stand in my shoes and tell me you know how I feel…..I fall into those damn “friend” traps everytime. Too nice prob. No..for sure. but really.. how do I act?  I dont play many games and I dont hide behind any false pretenses. I dont portray myself as something im not..I dont believe I act outta character. I am who I am..maybe I should be someone else….But Im not limited to just being me…give me an opportunity and  I may bring you the moon.

Insecure sure.

scared yes

confused most of the time

You know whats most frustrating tho, Ive change my self so much..grown so much only to feel like those steps have been in vain..or even fake confidence ….idk maybe im just blowing off some steam cuz ive had this shitty dull headache for like a week and maybe its made me more emo then usual. but fuck. what can I do but stick it out and wait for the next one to roll my way.  Chasin Pavements.

sums it up for me right now….wish things can fall into place for once.

bottom line is I just want to be happy…do I deserve it?