peek into my soul. and snoop around for a while.

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So I don’t forget


So had a conversation with my dad and uncle about my grandfather(their dad).  What transpired was enlightening.  I knew Tatay was a good man wonderful grandfather, loving, caring, funny.  I always looked up to him as a larger than life personality, had an aura about him that I could not explain, even today I think of him with a  child like wonder.

Its been rough for me for a while now many ups and downs..but especially rough in the past few weeks.  Hearing their candid praise of the kind of man he was, how strong, smart, driven he had been woke me up.  Maybe it was Tatay speaking to me through his sons..the bottom line we are cut from the same cloth and I know I am strong enough.

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So…. I have come to the terrible realization that..Im lonely…well not completely, I have a loving family and friend support group that I know without a shadow of a doubt will pick me up when I fall.So how do I feel alone in such a loving group? Maybe in my mind if feel like im missing out on something…a companion, and its killing me softly..“you’ll find someone, you havnt met the right one, theres more fish in the sea” …..doesnt help when your rejected on a regular basis…doesnt help the longing in my heart….and I know how pick my self up everytime…maybe I left to much of myself on the floor…i know everyone gets rejected and I should “man up” but I feel like I have to fight harder…I might as well have some kind of physical disfigurement..well close enough. Think about it for a second..before you judge my rant…stand in my shoes and tell me you know how I feel…..I fall into those damn “friend” traps everytime. Too nice prob. No..for sure. but really.. how do I act?  I dont play many games and I dont hide behind any false pretenses. I dont portray myself as something im not..I dont believe I act outta character. I am who I am..maybe I should be someone else….But Im not limited to just being me…give me an opportunity and  I may bring you the moon.

Insecure sure.

scared yes

confused most of the time

You know whats most frustrating tho, Ive change my self so much..grown so much only to feel like those steps have been in vain..or even fake confidence ….idk maybe im just blowing off some steam cuz ive had this shitty dull headache for like a week and maybe its made me more emo then usual. but fuck. what can I do but stick it out and wait for the next one to roll my way.  Chasin Pavements.

sums it up for me right now….wish things can fall into place for once.

bottom line is I just want to be happy…do I deserve it?

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So hey….I got crush on you.

Absolutely and have completely surprised me.  Im a mess.

When I thought I didn’t know what I was looking for…I find you….knocking all my pins down.

Bold and beautiful, a go getter not afraid to be yourself.

Passionate and strong…I love to get you talking….about anything because of the energy you express on topics that are near and dear to you…you  light up a room…not to mention your quirky random crack me up…

I never thought I would meet someone with the potential to be infinitely interesting. Unique.

Your combination of beauty and hard to find….I actually had given up…maybe I was looking in all the wrong places….but I would be a fool if  I didnt acknowledge it.  Ive been  frontin….lying to myself.

I barely know you.  Ive barely scratched the surface on who you are…and im excited of the potential

Not asking you to be with me.  Or want  anything to change between us.**I TAKE THAT BACK. I DO WANT TO BE WITH YOU** Ive been holding all these feeling inside and it has haunted me for a while now, and quite frankly im tired of it sitting on the tip of my tongue.   I dont want to ruin any of  your plans **I WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR PLANS** . Just wanted to let you know.

This is how I feel about you.

I have so much more to say….but for now..this is all I can.


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Words to live by

“sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop
planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how
we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want and just
see what happens.”

“to get up in the morning and know you have to face another obstacle, takes determination. to smile when the only thing you want to do is cry, takes strength. to act happy when it’s the worst, takes courage. to be joyful when the only good news is the best of the worst, takes support. to be there and help people through the roughest times takes love.”

“we live the life of an unfinished novel,
still waiting to be written.
depending on how long we live,
the longer the chapters.
depending on how interesting we are,
the more we appeal to others.
we’re often judged by our covers.
sometimes, some people decide to just quit reading us.
we’re just forgotten until someone finds us.
our characters can develop throughout the novel,
but our chapters can never be edited.”

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Not feelin it.

If you read this dont worry!! Its a Vent!!  But Im attempting to hide nothing.  I typed this out about a year ago.

Im not feeling it today.

I really dont have that take on the world attitude today.  Nor to I feel good about where my life is going.

Things should not be this way.  I no matter how hard I try….I think im still scared

Cuz of this I always start to think.  im a prisoner of thought

Never really confronted what I was scared of until fairly recently.

Never been comfortable in my own skin…yah dont think many people are as well..but I cant help but think I have it different.

I dont think Ive even started becoming myself til I got out of high school. Still struggling with that

My 18yr old self would not know who I am.

Different. Better. But not good?  I know someone always got it worst and trust me Ive seen some things. Yes Im grateful EXTREMELY grateful…of what I have.

but in all honesty I think I would not hesitate if given the opportunity to trade.

This is selfish of me to say of course.

but I envy you.

Envy the fact that you can walk in a room without thinking twice about it.

Envy the fact that you dont have that naggin voice in the back of your head saying that their making fun of you.

Envy that kids dont stare at you when you walk by

As harmless as it may sound to you…thats probably what hurts me the most. the innocence of children.

I know my youngest cousin loves me, but her innocence breaks my heart sometimes. I know shes going to learn sooner or later but I know shes aware that something is different and when she asks…weirdly I am more uncomfortable explaining to her than I am new people I meet.  I am extremely comfortable explaining to new people…strangely

and its tough cuz I have good good peeps in my life that want nothing for me to succeed….and I’m hampered in my own self doubt.

I dream big.   I have high expectations for myself.  I want to be an example of how to be to my younger cousins, nephews & nieces….I dont want them to feel embarrassed of me.  to be uncomfortable introducing me to their friends…I want them to be proud of me.

I know sometimes I like going without thanks.  but sometimes it feels real good for someone to acknowledge me.  It pushes me through rough patches.

Sometimes I believe I wronged someone in my past life…and karma put me on this path….

Im “like” normal….lol like a defective sweater you buy at first you see the defect…figure is not bad…..wear it love it…and only notice it when you look.

And its hard for anyone to understand. I guess you would have to see it through my eyes.

And as I sit here… typing this out im in tears…tomorrow is another day.

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So I got to check one more off the list.

Got to try Newports Seafoods spicy lobster.  Definitely recommend you try it if you like lobster asian style, or just plain love lobster.  Meat was tender and sweet, and the spices mixed in with the hot chilis, green onions and a healthy dose of MSG (Heck Ya).  A few other things we got the salty pork of course with the green onions and peppers,  fried string beans (I must say probably the best Ive had ever) some  beef in a pepper sauce, Clams in some sort of basil sauce.  Overall food was excellent definitely erased the horrible drive I experienced.   Ugh…. just about every kind of bad driver you can encounter, furthermore some horrible traffic added some heartache.  lol also the meds im taking have side affects that include agitation, restlessness and depression WTF  anyways im GLAD that I went with some good company. Good food – Good Peeps

(Wish I coulda took better pics…but of course i was too busy stuffing my face)

Finished off the night by hitting up a boba joint a few blocks away called half and half.  typical joint good boba prepared properly chewy but not to chewy, you feel?  Got a coffee slush with boba not big on coffee but it was good.  kept me awake on the trip home curbed the msg coma.  Strangely however place smelled like a pet store?  I wonder if they got hamsters running on wheels to power the joint?

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today was kinda rough.

hoping to curb a morning headache I decided to take some Advil….15 mins later I have a full on migraine like headache.  WTF!!

barely survived work.  had to take a few breaks.

took a power nap when I got home..woke up..alot better  but still a tinge of pain.

well hopefully I can update Saturday with something more interesting.

on a more happy note. this ish is stuck in my head. (always thinking of the weekends lol)

Ne-Yo – Champagne Life

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Tribute to Brandon Lee

“Because we don’t know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that’s so deeply a part of your being that you can’t even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.”

– Inscription on Brandon Lee’s tombstone.

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so im sitting hear in maui thinking about life on the eve of my 29th bday.

…I have come to be very contemplative and reserved on my day.

not that im necessarily sad or or in a melancholy mood or anything, but looking back what I have done this year has not impressed me much.  mainly my fault of course but i wonder what my major malfunction is.  i seem to have all the ambition in the world but none of the “drive” that alot of you have.

lazy.  yah i admit it.

time will tell i guess if I can get my “act” together.


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Its something I can never get used to.

Its a fact of life WE ALL tend not to think about.

My first experience I have had of some one passing is my great grandfather..not quite sure the relation, but it was’nt too shocking to me..I remember he was 90+…and I didnt cry during the viewings but for some reason I did when they buried him.  Honestly I barely knew him.

2nd was heartbreaking a good family friend of mine died.  One of my best friends growing up, same age would have become a fine young man..better than myself I must say.  I remember the day he got hurt..I still regret this to this day… I stopped by my cousins house who happen to be neighbors with him.  I was there around the time he got hurt…I even went up to his door to knock…but I didnt want to bother them…..sometimes I think if only I had the courage to keep knocking I could have changed things.  His funeral changed my whole outlook on life. Questioned my faith. He died a few days before my bday.

Showed me…how short life can be.  No longer was I naive to how mortal we are.

When my first Grandfather died (dad’s dad)…I was anticipating it…but didnt want to think of him not being here.  So I didnt.. was in denial when he was suffering in the hospital.  The morning he died…I woke up round 230am..3ish…not sure but I just woke up, and had this bad feeling….a minute or two later the phone rings..and I already knew…I didnt even want to answer it.  Maybe it was his way of telling all of us he was going because I got concurring stories from the rest of my fam sharing my experience.  The Lopez clan hasnt been the same since he left.  So many memories. ..

…and I couldnt type anymore…too painful to talk about.**

but i had to publish it cuz i dont want it sitting in my drafts anymore.

**its my other grandfathers bday today (moms dad) he passed away last year. happy bday tatay..sorry for not being your best grandchild…”you said you can die happy when I was born”  I promise to live up to you expectations of me.

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11th man theory

From the movie “Love is”

say there is a woman in a room with 10 men, and all 10 men are telling her how beautiful she is, and how amazing she is and they are lighting her cigarette and buying her drinks and just treating her like gold. Then all of a sudden in walks the 11th man, he takes one look at her and says “hey how ya doin'”, turns his back on her and starts talking to his boys, THAT’S the guy she wants to be with, the 11th man, not any of the 10 men who were treating her well all night, but the one guy that couldn’t care less, why? Because for some reason women don’t want nice, they don’t want real, they don’t want to be treated well, I mean not at first and sometimes not ever, and I think that’s crazy and I refuse to play that game …. get a girl by pretending that I don’t like her, I wanna be with a woman who’s real, who digs it when I’m nice to her, who doesn’t see that as weakness or take me for granted when I tell her that I think she is more amazing than anything else in the entire world, but unfortunately most women aren’t like that, they say they are, deep down inside they want to be, but … they’re not”

*cliff notes*

[if a woman is in a room with ten guys who treat her nice and tell her she is beautiful and so on, but the 11th guy walks in and igores her. He does not care what she thinks and does not tell her she is beautiful and smart, but she will go after this guy because he is not trying to get to know her. They said this is why nice guys never have relationships that last. This theory could apply to men or women, but in the movie it was about women. I don’t subscribe to this, but I have seen some woman who seem to be attracted to the bad boy]

thought it was interesting.

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When you develop an infatuation for someone, you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. It doesn’t need to be a good reason.

Taking photographs of the night sky for example. Now in the long run, that’s just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up.

But in the haze of infatuation, its just what you’ve been searching for all these years.

from the movie The Beach lol

Im in love with Virginie Ledoyen (Francois in the movie)



its been awhile since ive posted… but here it goes..

So..Im not a religious person, and everyone one that talks to me about it may either agree with me or hate me for my views on religion.

I believe in god/higher power, but I dont believe in the church/religion.

neways thats a whole pandoras box I do not want to get into right now.


weird/different/something to think about thing happened to me a while… … ago.  My work softball team was having a practice at a park in the valley.  We played catch while waiting for the rest of the team to show up.  I noticed a latino guy hanging around.. kinda watching us..rather watching me.  Kinda weird kinda made me suspicious and honestly it kinda creeped me out.  I ignore it.

Actually..not really dude musta been out there an hour


We take a break…(mind you I forgot about the dude) and im thing I know I see that guy walking right towards me. I’m like WTF….so I kinda tense up thinking ima have to fight or something..but the guy says hi and asks if I found god.

Under any other circumstances im the type that is sarcastic at people who ask this question..but this time seemed a lil different.  The guy looked distressed…maybe even sad.

So the guy asks about the way I walk, and I give him my generic answer.  I’m not sure if he understood me.  Or cares about the reason.

He then asks if he can pray for me.

Honestly I really did not know what to do at this point. Didnt know if I should be weirded out by it or be thankful that someone was thinking that much about me to want to pray for me.


As he’s praying I can visibly see him..hes almost in tears. He started praying in english but asked if it was ok in spanish….all I could do was nod.

he then goes to his knees and puts his hands on my legs while still praying. still visibly distressed.

this happened pretty fast..well to me neway.. but nonetheless it is something I dont think im ever going to forget.

After he was done it seemed like he wiped the tears out of his eyes, and said thank you to me.

I still dont know why he would thank me.

I dont even remember If I thanked him. I should have.

He said something along the lines of believe in god he is our savior.and a few other things…but It was hard through his accent.

But I understood.  Somethings really dont have to have a perfect explanation.  Somehow you just know.

Idk why its taken me so long to acknowledge something of this magnitude.  I havnt …to be honest with you talked about it much.

Im still  stunned.

No words can fully describe the whole experience.

Never thought that perfect strangers can have such a profound effect on me.

funny now that I think about it…he was there and gone in a flash.  Didnt hang around to watch anymore..just made a direct line out of sight.

I’m starting to believe someone was trying to tell me something….and I’m embarrassed to say that I dont quite know what it is.  Its something to figure out on my own I suppose.

Yes..I admit…my pride and my fear of embarrassment did not let me experience this fully..which I deeply regret.

and..yes theres more… I played it off as some “wierdo” praying for me..immediately after..which again I truly regret.

Ive never been a good prayer tho to my defense..Talking to “God” has always been sorta of a “why me” or “plz give” kinda I tend not to…. scratch that tried not to… .  Out of respect.  I know its lame…but I really dont think the almighty one likes beggars.  I have been trying  to make my own way…..which hasnt popped off the way I visioned it growing up.

My friends did not even know what happened…I made a big deal about it…Maybe it was meant to be that way.  I felt I was on an island while this was goin on.  No one really seemed to care.  Although it took place just feet from them.

Im glad it happened this way.  Otherwise, could have shrugged this off as another weird experience in the life of Lloyd Lopez.

Needless to say that man is an inspiration of what religion should be about. Not that I have changed my view on religion but it gave me faith in the kindness of strangers.

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Kill the old Lloyd

So today I had a brief convo with a friend of mine.  Mostly about my weekend, broke it down on how things went and how things didnt.  But a few things that he said to me had a profound affect on me, it was fresh breath of air.

He told me this:

“You’re never gonna get what you want if you’re always worrying about other people”

It hit me like a freight train…

truth hurts.  I do worry about others to much….about what they think.

Do I have what I want? Have I ever gotten what I want?

I cant pin point something that I truly wanted and gotten.

No, not the material.. but things of true value. 

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero – “seize the day and place no trust in tomorrow”

today will be the first day of the rest of my life.

Honestly I have a lot and I am EXTREMELY blessed with what I have…….but I dont have what I want.

sounds selfish.  But I have never been selfish.

My friend proceeds to say, while im recovering from the hit

“just change it”

“kill old Lloyd”


but..I might need help.